Iron Maiden: A Review

Hear ye, hear ye, filthy mud-sorting peasants. Truly you are blessed to plow the fields and pay the King for the honor to do so.

It has been quite some time since the glorious word of the Feudalist League has been expressed. After all, it takes some time to shed the blood of the Saxon Men. Yet there is other pleasurable news to share with you vile groundlings, and that is the recent presence of an Iron Maiden in our noble city of York.

Woe to you, oh peasants of earth and sea, for the Britons sent their troubadours of wrath to assault our walls (the ones meant to keep out those damned Vikings) with the torturous Iron Maiden. These witty troubadours also arrived with some bizarre local guild known as a Dream Theater (arrogant pagans and their dreams!).

A fun time was had by many, including those who bore witness to the events from afar. Good thing the price of admission was too high for you peasants, or else you would have caused a stench unbearable to the nostrils of all, one which would have required us to take hostile action against the heathens again.

As one last note: Get back to work! Those sheep don't shear themselves.

White castle the securest of all the fast food havens.

It is a fact that Vikings will attack any and all buildings with out hesitation. Their is however one safe place that you can eat at without being harmed, that place is White Castle. The foundation of this building is secure in a way that vikings can not make their way in. The other benefit to White Castle is that you can feed your serfs by purchasing a crave case. One crave case can feed an entire manor's worth of serfs.

Those damn Vikings and their music

Doubt if you will, but the Vikings can and WILL invade again. Our scouts claim that they are amassing several of their secret weapons to engage us in battle, and attempt to steal our gold, burn our houses, and do things that no noble man would ever dare think of to our wives.

Don't believe us? Here is the proof, thanks to several minstrels having graciously re-recorded portions of their hymns:

Viking Hymn

Feudalist Hymn

See, we don't make music for the sake of frightening others and causing ears to explode with random, dramatic screams.

If we let the Vikings attack, they'll only get stronger and create even more horrific screams. We must build a wall!

Drug testing on animals

Medicine and all other drugs are a lie! We have seen people test drugs on animals and all of them have still gotten the Plague. We as Feudalists know that the only cure for that is more walls. Besides using an animal for drug testing makes it unusable as meat. If you really think you can find a cure to the plague that is better than a wall, you can use an old serf that can no longer tend to his fields. That way the surf is no longer a burden upon the land owner and more proof is added that medicine is evil and a lie.

This is why we need to build Walls...

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008: A Day Which Will Live in Infamy.

For those of you who sook our wisdom yesterday, you may have noticed that things seemed outlandish, as if they weren't from our Kingdom. Well, it ends up that the ignorance of the American population to our defense strategies allowed some Vikings to conquer a portion of our domain and cause mischief.

Well: We Told You So.

We knew it would happen if we kept neglecting to create a wall, but none of you would listen.

Luckily enough, we were able to fend off these Vikings by telling them about our vastly superior system of government, and threatening to send the Templars after them, but a deeper threat still lies just outside of our borders.

Even now, an entire Horde of Vikings, under the rule of the Tyrant Johannes Gutenberg, is preparing to storm our land, take all your possessions, and reverse your chairs when you turn around to get more measly bread.

Provided is an account of yesterday's horrors, which would have been much worse were it not for our quick horseback communications system, for future reference.

Do not fall into their vile trickery. They may promise gold and the hailing of Odin, but remember, they'll make you read books in the Vernacular, and give you the plague with their heavy metal music and movable type.

The war in Iraq

Why fight a war when we can keep all of our enemies out with a giant wall? When you have a big enough wall, nothing outside that wall matters unless its within conquering distance. In that case I say we work our way towards Iraq. We can start with the Atlantic Ocean then Europe and move forward in this fashion.

Illegal Immigration

Illegal immigration is a wonderful thing. It is one step closer to achieving the feudalist society that we all dream of. Illegal immigrants are an easy source of serfs. At the same time though, I do support the anti-illegal immigration idea of building a wall to keep all of them out. When it comes down to it we can always find a new way to get serfs without using illegal immigrants. If we need to build a wall to keep them out thats fine as long as those damn vikings and the plague stay outside the wall as well.